Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
