Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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