I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
