So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
