I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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