i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
