I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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