i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
