his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
