Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
