you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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