If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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