I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
