No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
