I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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