I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
