either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
