a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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