Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?