Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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