So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
