I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
