Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
