Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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