From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
