life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
