Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
