i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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