I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
