My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i came on her dog
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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