he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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