Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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