I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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