Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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