***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
