No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Drunk is not a location!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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