2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
