So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
