My liver just broke up with me...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
