my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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