You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
