Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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