You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
