I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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