Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You are the jesus of drinking
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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