I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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