How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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