I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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