(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
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It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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