He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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