Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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