So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
