Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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