After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
