STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
